with God.

I just saw this quote the other day:
"Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point."

How true this is. Lately everything that I do starts and ends with God as my motive, my purpose. I can no longer imagine going through life without God as my focus. It would be meaningless, it would have no point.

God has been giving me so much courage to speak about Him. I remember a couple of years ago when I would be so afraid to even mention the name of God, or faith for that matter, in front of my cousins. Now it comes more naturally.

Thank you God for courage. Thank you for allowing me to know you and follow you.

Greater, Lesser

Jesus said "I must become greater, you must become lesser". Our ultimate daily goal should be to point people to Jesus. And the only way to do this is to take ourselves out of the picture. To be honest, this is difficult for me. I do want the recognition. While I still believe it was God working through me, I want people to know that it was God working through ME. Like always, God chooses specific times to teach us this lesson. And I was taught this yesterday.

The past couple of days have been crazy and hectic; buying gifts and wrapping gifts for a family that I am sponsoring. On Wednesday I received a bonus check from school for a very significant amount, therefore was able to be much more free in my giving to this family. I went a little crazy; two new outfits for the boys, two pairs of shoes, a girls outfit, two 25 gift cards, two Bucks tickets, 2 toys, one board game. It was an absolute blast shopping. My heart was so full of love and anticipation for the giving of the gifts. Kari drove over to the house with me after school. One of the boys was sitting on the steps as we pulled up. An uncle came out of the house. We gave them the gifts and that was that. Of course in my mind I had planned out a scenario. I had planned to be invited into the house, for all the kids to be there, to talk with the mom, etc. But that would have magnified me. And the point is to magnify God. And I do believe that God will be magnified, and I will be lesser.

So in the end they will know that someone cared enough to think of them. And perhaps this will strengthen their faith in God and motivate them to do the same someday.

Fufilled.

I have truly felt filled lately. Filled with God's love. Overflowing love that I can share with others. Filled with diversity. Diversity of people and experience. Filled with joy. Filled with contentment. All of this comes from God. I have no doubts about that.

I was trying to explain that to mom on the phone tonight. Trying to explain that I feel very fufilled with the work that I am doing-both paid and unpaid. Basically I am serving. And when I serve others I lose track of myself. And when I lose track of myself I am overwhelmed with gratitude for opportunities that I have to walk alongside others. I made some comment that if I were in a relationship I wouldn't necessarily have the time to give. She agreed, but said that there might come a time in my life when I am not fulfilled by the work I am doing anymore. I can't imagine ever saying that God's work doesn't fulfill me. What a slap in the face to God. God's will for me will ALWAYS fill me. It will never leave me empty. As much as I love my family, they don't get it. They don't get the way that God has completely changed and completed my life.

Orphans and widows.

My favorite Bible verse is the one about true religion.  True religion is caring for orphans and widows in need and not being polluted by the world.  The second part has become much easier for me.  The first part is slowly being revealed to me.  While orphan usually means a child without parents I am also seeing that orphan can mean a child whose parents are not emotionally present.  Children who are neglected.  Children who are not being parented.  I don't know when or why the idea of foster care popped into my head, but it did.  And I don't know exactly why I decided to call and sign up for a meeting, but I did.  And I don't know exactly why I actually went to the information meeting, but I did.  And when I got there I was forever changed.  So many kids needing a temporary place to live and be loved.  And I can do that.  I may not be the prototype for a foster home, but I have love and Jesus.  So now I just fill out the paperwork.  I guess if the paperwork goes through then God has made it clear this is how I will care for the orphans and if not maybe he has other plans.

Blessings.

A day full of blessings. Children ready to learn. Children singing and dancing. Children treating each other with kindness. Children being kids.

There is a 4th grade teacher at school that I really admire. She has amazing rapport with her kids and a passion for this job despite teaching almost 10 years. Last week she did meditation with her class and gave me the link. I've done it for 10 minutes the past 2 days and it has been incredible. So often the days and their lives are loud, busy, fast paced. It was amazing to watch them lay down, close their eyes and slow down. When I asked them afterwards how they felt, one child said it felt like he was in another world.

I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year. He said clothes and new shoes. White and blue shoes. A six year old child wanting clothes for Christmas.

After school a group of middle school students and myself went over to a home for the disabled and elderly to deliver Christmas cards. Many of these people were homebound and rarely left. I went around to the rooms with 2 8th grade girls. They did an incredible job of being confident and hospitable. It was no neat to watch. One lady was so surprised that someone had made a card for her. Another man barely opened the door and you could tell that door hadn't been opened for a while. I seriously saw the love of Christ being shared tonight. I don't know if I've seen it so obvious like that before. Perhaps I just have my eyes and heart open more.

A day of absolute blessings and privileges. A God who could save the world is allowing me to be a part of His glory and love.

Light.

I was handed a note by a six year old today that said "God loves you".

I have a student that tells me something hurts daily. My eye hurts. My knee hurts. Today when he looked back at me I said "Your eye hurts?" He shook his head no. "Your knee hurts?" He shook his head no. "Keep going" he said. A cry for attention and affection. He makes up ailments for a hug or a touch.

I have a student that gently helped another child fix her spelling of the word "pork" to say "park".

I have amazing students that are persevering despite some harsh conditions. I have students that were made and chosen by God to do great things.

Purpose.

Finding our life's purpose is really quite simple. It's in the Bible. Feed those that are hungry. Clothe those that are naked. Love God and love your neighbor as yourself.

I feel more and more like I am falling into the path God wants for me. God is transforming my desires into HIS desires. No longer do I want to do things for myself. I want to be with others, loving others. And usually the others are the disadvantaged.

On Friday I delivered some keys to one of the kids homes so that they could get in their house. There had been a miscommunication with their sister, so they would have no way to get in. She didn't want them to be cold and had no way to get the keys to them. So I went. They were standing outside. I can't imagine what they were thinking. It was cold and they had no way in. They were happy and surprised to see us. It was a quick encounter. I would want someone to help me in my house if I was cold. It is that simple.

I am still unsure why God has given my heart so much love for this child. I love them all, but it is different. I will continue to be faithful to God and keep my eyes open to the opportunities he is placing in front of me. I will continue to say YES.

Perspective.

First 2 basketball games of the season today.  I thought the 8th grade game would go well, but was dreading the 7th grade game.  Half of the girls have never played basketball before.

The 8th grade game was rough.  They were nervous and it showed.  I was frustrated big time.  But I need to remember that it is about having fun and TEACHING.  Teaching optimism, teaching perseverance, teaching skills.  

The 7th grade game was as I expected.  29-4.  I was shocked that we even scored points!  But they are so positive and I LOVE that about them.  They never gave up.  

I take losing hard.  I have trouble finding the balance of seeing that it is just a "game", but also wanting to be competitive.  So we will press on.

I just got an email from Curtis.  He received an email already from the coach of the team the 8th grade played.  He said that when his daughter fell down, one of the girls on our team helped her up and asked if she was ok.  He was so impressed by this.  God just smacked me in the face with this one.  It's as if he was saying "Don't you see.  It's about love.  It's what I command you.  Love your neighbor as yourself."  At the end of it all, life is about how we make others feel.  And I couldn't be prouder :)

Whispers

Oprah said something about how God speaks to us in whispers.  When we don't hear the whispers it gets louder, and louder, until it feels like our head is hitting a brick wall.  Usually I think of this in terms of negative things, but I also think that Gods whispers can lead us, or keep us.

Some days I feel called for something bigger.  Like being a missionary in another country.  Or adopting a ton of kids.  Other days I feel like I am where I am meant to be.  And it all reality, I am leaving it up to God to guide me.  I am praying that I can be obedient and LISTEN.  That listening part is hard for me.  Listening requires that we quiet our heart and minds long enough to recognize the God whispers of life.

Today I had a whisper.  

One of my students stands right by me outside after school.  EVERY day.  He looked up at me and asked "Will you be here forever?"  I was a little confused.  I asked him what he meant. He said "Will you still be here when we get bigger?"  I said that I hoped I would so that I could see how they grew.  This was a God whisper.

A student drawing hearts by my name.  A student saying that they want to teach first grade.  These are the God moments that I am able to recognize.

Sure, some not so great things happened today too.  Some dark things that make you wonder where childhood has gone.  But overall I am going to recognize God's glory and choose to stand in awe of it.

Thankful.

I am thankful that I choose to be a teacher when I was in the first grade.

I am thankful that my dad said I would be a teacher just like my mom despite my denial.

I am thankful to have the trust of families to instruct their lovely children.

I am thankful that God led me to this school right out of college.

Some people believe in fate.  I believe in God.  I believe that everything happens under God's guidance and direction.

Every day I get to be a teacher and see the world from a child's perspective.  For that I am thankful.  I get to hear precious laughter.  I get to see the building blocks of learning.  I get to hear apologies, encouragement, and see kindness and generosity.  For this I am thankful.

Last night I went to a parent meeting for a program at our school.  One of my students was there.  Last year he was put on half days and almost kicked out due to behavior.  His mom said in front of everyone that she can't believe his transformation this year.  He is a new kid.  He can read and he is eager about school.  I never like to give myself credit for things.  But I might have had a role in that and I need to recognize that encouragement as a gift from God.

And my little favorite continues to open up to me.  He is laughing and smiling and seeking that approval and affection from me.  At recess he was being chased by another child and ran up and grabbed onto me.  He cried when I expressed disappointment for his behavior in art.  I love the opportunity to tell kids that others need to see what I see in them and that they are so smart and special.  I love the opportunity to speak to kids in a positive way.

I feel like I could explode with thankfulness.

Risk=Reward

Back in college I prided myself on taking risks.  Taking risks in terms of relationships and people.  Stretching myself out of my comfort zone so that others knew that I cared.  I joined the PDS program so that I would put myself in uncomfortable positions in terms of race and class.  I went to sporting events, club meeting and baptist churches.  I remember feeling uncomfortable and like I stood out, but being so grateful that I had gone.

Fast forward 3 years.  I am immersed daily in black culture and love every part of it.  I love the loud, boisterous, family pride and loyalty.  Sure there are frustrations, but I want to be drenched in it.  I've gone to birthday parties, tball games and plays.  Seeing kids and families outside of school has given me an understanding of who they are and a sense of trust with the families.

This year I haven't gotten to know the parents quite as well.  I hadn't yet seen a child shine outside of school.  A student from last year sings in his church choir.  His dad had mentioned this a couple times and I had never really followed through on it.  I knew he sang on the 3rd Sunday and this Sunday was the 3rd Sunday.  I tried calling to find out the time and place, but never got a call back.  So I decided to call the church.  The lady asked who I was and upon finding out seemed excited that I was coming.  I figured the church must be pretty small.  Since I had told the boy I was coming and now the secretary I knew I couldn't back down on my word.

I was nervous.  Like really nervous.  I knew I would probably be the only white person.  So I asked Brittany to come with me.  While I want her to be at church and have that relationship with God I also wanted to feel more comfortable.  Selfish I know.  

We walked up to the church and luckily I saw the boys dad right when we came in.  He invited us to sit up front with him.  The boy from my class saw me and was excited.  I also saw 3 other kids from my school!  They asked visitors to stand and then had a little "say hello" time.  The kids came over and all gave me hugs.  They seemed so happy that I was there. My little favorites sister sings in the choir.  She looked so stoic and beautiful.  She gave me a hug and said "You actually came".  She told me that he was at home, which I was disappointed about.  The service was amazing.  There was singing, dancing and preaching.  But above all there was passion and devotion to the Lord.

I learned so much in my 2 hours there.  I learned that these kids really do have God and get it.  So often I think their lives are hard, and they might be, but they have a great church family.  I also understand why it is so difficult at school sometimes.  The rules are so different.  The game is different.  Church is loud, call and response, clapping, dancing.  School is quiet, raise your hand, sit still and listen.

I am so glad God gave me the courage to go.  I thought about backing out because I felt uncomfortable.  But this discomfort produced great reward.  My heart was filled with so much joy.  Everytime I made eye contact with one of the kids and smiled my heart was overflowing.

Small moments

Life is a series of small moments.  Many days I miss these small moments.  When I catch these small moments my heart is full of joy and gratitude for the many blessings that God gives me each day.

"If we magnified blessings as much as we magnify disappointments, we would all be much happier."

While I do believe that life has peaks and valleys I also believe that the peaks can be higher and the valleys not as low if we notice the small, wonderful moments in life.

Kids laughing.  Middle schoolers volunteering for a greater cause.  Students encouraging one another.  A stranger holding the door.  

I have received 3 apples this year from students.  It is a small gesture, but one that implies that they were thinking of me.  On Friday I received a bag of chips from my little favorite.  He also said that he tried to get me a plate of food at the center he goes to after school, but they wouldn't let him.  Do you see how this is the beginning of generosity?  Jesus tells a story about an offering at a church.  The wealthy were putting in some and then a widow came and put in nearly everything she had.  Generosity and giving is not measure by the actual amount, but is actually relative to what one has.  

I am amazed by the power of love and affection.  Two weeks ago, my little favorite could really care less that I was in the classroom.  He did his work and minded his P's and Q's.  I've been trying to be very attentive to him and boy have things changed.  Now, he is constantly coming up to me to tell me things and stands right on my hip after school.  On Thursday I told him I would give him a special note.  About 5 minute later he came up to me and asked if I had forgotten already. :)  As we were walking to the door after school on Friday he grabbed my hand.  I love all of my students, some just have greater needs than others.  

Knowing Thyself...

"Know thyself" Plato.

A 2 word sentence that is so complex.  I must say that as I am about to enter my "late 20s" I finally feel comfortable with who I am.  I am no longer am trying to fit in or be the person that others may want me to be.  I know myself.

I know who I am at my core and who I am striving to be.  Circumstances may change, but who I am I hope will always remain constant.

I am a teacher.

I am a learner.

I am an observer.

I am concerned.

I am compassionate.

I am passionate and dedicated.

I care.  

I am a change agent.

I smile.

I believe small moments are everywhere.

I am a small, but important piece of the world.

I am loved.

I am specially made.

I am uncomfortable with being comfortable.

I am old fashioned.

I am a worker.

I laugh.

I am an athlete.

I am a coach.

I am exactly who I was meant to be.

Who are you?

Little Things

Joy.  Joy is such a fleeting emotion.  We can't always predict when it will come around, but when it does we wish that it would stay longer.  Perhaps that's the beauty of it.

Today was a day full of JOY.  I have found the joy factor of teaching.  When the classroom is a place of laughter it is comfortable.  When students feel comfortable the classroom is peaceful.  

My little friend is the only students that has never reached out to give me a hug.  I want him to trust me and know that I care for him.  But I will never pressure him to give me a hug.  It needs to happen by choice.  Today I gave the kids a choice to give me a hug, high five or handshake.  To my surprise he choose a hug.  JOY.  The other 25 choose hug as well, but his was special because it was the first. 

After school he ran up to his 5th grade sister and held onto her.  He said he missed her during the day.  She said she missed him too.  I so badly want to be that person to him, but need to realize that I might not be and that is ok.  His sister is always there for him and he knows that.  She has cared for and protected him.  It is hard to love, but realize your own limitations.

Love.

The last day of school is typically a time when students and teachers are happy and excited.  They've had a long year and everyone is ready for a break.  Last year I was excited for summer, but sad to be leaving my kids.  About 8 of the kids I had taught for two years; I'd seen them grow in so many ways and knew that I needed to let them go.  But I didn't want to.  I had formed such a connection with their families, and knew them like they were my own kids.  I thought to myself "I'll never love a class like I love this class".

Fast forward to this year.  I knew a couple of the kids coming in.  I was looking forward to the first day of school because I wanted to see my kids from last year.  The first couple weeks of school I found every opportunity to talk to the kids from my previous class.  While I liked my new class I still longed for last years kids.

November 3rd.  I am in love with my class.  While I didn't think it was possible, I love them just like I loved the kids last year.  This must be what parents talk about when they have more than 1 child.  They wonder "Will I be able to love this new child as much?".  And then answer is always yes.  Your heart finds room and you experience that pure, unconditional love.

For over 7 hours a day I have the responsibility of loving, teaching, nurturing, entertaining, listening, zipping, tying, nudging, explaining, exploring, disciplining, correcting, laughing and living life with these children.  The days can become monotonous, but I need to remember what a GIFT each day with them is.  Our time together is short and before I know it we will be sitting in a circle remembering our year together and saying goodbye.  

I just met with their parents today and it rejuvenates me.  These caretakers are incredible people.  One mom works second shift and goes to school.  During the day she is going to volunteer at a group home.  She says she wants to better herself on her own.  What an example for her daughter.  Another woman is 50 years old and raising an energetic little boy.  She raised her sisters kids too.  She sees so much in this boy and I appreciate that about her.  One little boy is being raised by 3 generations of women.  Separated parents are coming together for the sake of their children.  This motivates me to do my job to the fullest.

They are all precious and unique.  There is one little boy that has caused my heart to overflow with love and joy.  He is smart and quiet, but has a smile that will light up the room.  He doesn't seek affection or attention like the others.  He has yet to initiate a hug with me.  His life has not been easy.  Yet he believes that even though he is just a kid he has power and influence.  I have learned a great deal from him in only 2 months together.  

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

"How in the world did I think I could, only get to know you when my life was good"

It's so easy to celebrate God and life's blessing when life is good.  I've been liking my job, felt relaxed, and for the most part had fun.  The weather has been nice.  I got to watch the Badgers play at Soldier Field.  My volleyball team has won 5 games, compared to the 7 I won in the past 2 years as a coach.  

But life is a serious of ups and downs or peaks and valleys as some say.  I'm learning to try to be present in the ups, rather than wonder when the down will come.  And I'm trying to grow in understanding that God is present ALWAYS.  What changes is my willingness to seek Him and lean on him.  I can choose to give into my human desires and rely on people to try to get me through this conflict, or I can choose God and His wisdom and peace that can only come from Him.

Intention.

I still remember walking down the learning center stairs at Tosa East high school when my friend stopped me and said "Did you hear what happened?".  I vaguely remember watching the news about the attack on the World Trade center on a box TV in my second hour class.  But to be honest, I don't remember the event any differently than I do Princess Diana dying or other big events that happened over the years.  I was 15.  I was probably pretty consumed with my life and my business that I didn't spend too much time thinking about the gravity of what had just happened.

Fast forward 10 years to September 11, 2011.  This morning all of the names of those who died were read.  The names were read by family members of those who had passed while their names, pictures and ages were posted on the bottom of the screen.  While I didn't know anyone affected that day, I felt so connected to them.  Some were just a few years older than me.  Life was changed for thousands that day and I hurt for them.  While most have moved on in life, they still hurt everyday for the life that was lost.  It is a pain I have never felt.  Some knew that death was close as they talked to loved ones on the phone, but others were totally unaware.  They woke up in the morning, maybe had breakfast, some coffee, read the paper and then walked out the door assuming they would be back later that day.  Would they have started their morning differently if they knew if would be their last?  How would they have lived the previous week if they knew if would be their last?  

I suppose it convicts us all to live more intentionally and more freely.  Some of us will be afforded a long life with lots of opportunities to go and see and love and forgive, but some of us will not.  Focus on who you want to be and the legacy you want to leave and go after it NOW.  Go on a road trip.  Get an ice cream cone.  Give. Love. Be grateful.  Tell others about Jesus.  Take up a new hobby.  

Trends.

I've never really been into trends or the latest and greatest.  I usually criticize or make fun of people who join in on the trends, but then 3 or 4 months later I find myself wearing Uggs, or skinny jeans....or starting a blog.  I'm not living abroad, or raising a kid, or sharing cooking secrets (I'm very talented at pouring milk into a bowl of cereal though...) or any of the other reasons people start blogs.  I'm living in Milwaukee, working as a teacher, trying to improve my coaching skills and spending time with my family and friends.  Now if that doesn't make you want to read this blog, then I don't know what will!