Perspective.

First 2 basketball games of the season today.  I thought the 8th grade game would go well, but was dreading the 7th grade game.  Half of the girls have never played basketball before.

The 8th grade game was rough.  They were nervous and it showed.  I was frustrated big time.  But I need to remember that it is about having fun and TEACHING.  Teaching optimism, teaching perseverance, teaching skills.  

The 7th grade game was as I expected.  29-4.  I was shocked that we even scored points!  But they are so positive and I LOVE that about them.  They never gave up.  

I take losing hard.  I have trouble finding the balance of seeing that it is just a "game", but also wanting to be competitive.  So we will press on.

I just got an email from Curtis.  He received an email already from the coach of the team the 8th grade played.  He said that when his daughter fell down, one of the girls on our team helped her up and asked if she was ok.  He was so impressed by this.  God just smacked me in the face with this one.  It's as if he was saying "Don't you see.  It's about love.  It's what I command you.  Love your neighbor as yourself."  At the end of it all, life is about how we make others feel.  And I couldn't be prouder :)

Whispers

Oprah said something about how God speaks to us in whispers.  When we don't hear the whispers it gets louder, and louder, until it feels like our head is hitting a brick wall.  Usually I think of this in terms of negative things, but I also think that Gods whispers can lead us, or keep us.

Some days I feel called for something bigger.  Like being a missionary in another country.  Or adopting a ton of kids.  Other days I feel like I am where I am meant to be.  And it all reality, I am leaving it up to God to guide me.  I am praying that I can be obedient and LISTEN.  That listening part is hard for me.  Listening requires that we quiet our heart and minds long enough to recognize the God whispers of life.

Today I had a whisper.  

One of my students stands right by me outside after school.  EVERY day.  He looked up at me and asked "Will you be here forever?"  I was a little confused.  I asked him what he meant. He said "Will you still be here when we get bigger?"  I said that I hoped I would so that I could see how they grew.  This was a God whisper.

A student drawing hearts by my name.  A student saying that they want to teach first grade.  These are the God moments that I am able to recognize.

Sure, some not so great things happened today too.  Some dark things that make you wonder where childhood has gone.  But overall I am going to recognize God's glory and choose to stand in awe of it.

Thankful.

I am thankful that I choose to be a teacher when I was in the first grade.

I am thankful that my dad said I would be a teacher just like my mom despite my denial.

I am thankful to have the trust of families to instruct their lovely children.

I am thankful that God led me to this school right out of college.

Some people believe in fate.  I believe in God.  I believe that everything happens under God's guidance and direction.

Every day I get to be a teacher and see the world from a child's perspective.  For that I am thankful.  I get to hear precious laughter.  I get to see the building blocks of learning.  I get to hear apologies, encouragement, and see kindness and generosity.  For this I am thankful.

Last night I went to a parent meeting for a program at our school.  One of my students was there.  Last year he was put on half days and almost kicked out due to behavior.  His mom said in front of everyone that she can't believe his transformation this year.  He is a new kid.  He can read and he is eager about school.  I never like to give myself credit for things.  But I might have had a role in that and I need to recognize that encouragement as a gift from God.

And my little favorite continues to open up to me.  He is laughing and smiling and seeking that approval and affection from me.  At recess he was being chased by another child and ran up and grabbed onto me.  He cried when I expressed disappointment for his behavior in art.  I love the opportunity to tell kids that others need to see what I see in them and that they are so smart and special.  I love the opportunity to speak to kids in a positive way.

I feel like I could explode with thankfulness.

Risk=Reward

Back in college I prided myself on taking risks.  Taking risks in terms of relationships and people.  Stretching myself out of my comfort zone so that others knew that I cared.  I joined the PDS program so that I would put myself in uncomfortable positions in terms of race and class.  I went to sporting events, club meeting and baptist churches.  I remember feeling uncomfortable and like I stood out, but being so grateful that I had gone.

Fast forward 3 years.  I am immersed daily in black culture and love every part of it.  I love the loud, boisterous, family pride and loyalty.  Sure there are frustrations, but I want to be drenched in it.  I've gone to birthday parties, tball games and plays.  Seeing kids and families outside of school has given me an understanding of who they are and a sense of trust with the families.

This year I haven't gotten to know the parents quite as well.  I hadn't yet seen a child shine outside of school.  A student from last year sings in his church choir.  His dad had mentioned this a couple times and I had never really followed through on it.  I knew he sang on the 3rd Sunday and this Sunday was the 3rd Sunday.  I tried calling to find out the time and place, but never got a call back.  So I decided to call the church.  The lady asked who I was and upon finding out seemed excited that I was coming.  I figured the church must be pretty small.  Since I had told the boy I was coming and now the secretary I knew I couldn't back down on my word.

I was nervous.  Like really nervous.  I knew I would probably be the only white person.  So I asked Brittany to come with me.  While I want her to be at church and have that relationship with God I also wanted to feel more comfortable.  Selfish I know.  

We walked up to the church and luckily I saw the boys dad right when we came in.  He invited us to sit up front with him.  The boy from my class saw me and was excited.  I also saw 3 other kids from my school!  They asked visitors to stand and then had a little "say hello" time.  The kids came over and all gave me hugs.  They seemed so happy that I was there. My little favorites sister sings in the choir.  She looked so stoic and beautiful.  She gave me a hug and said "You actually came".  She told me that he was at home, which I was disappointed about.  The service was amazing.  There was singing, dancing and preaching.  But above all there was passion and devotion to the Lord.

I learned so much in my 2 hours there.  I learned that these kids really do have God and get it.  So often I think their lives are hard, and they might be, but they have a great church family.  I also understand why it is so difficult at school sometimes.  The rules are so different.  The game is different.  Church is loud, call and response, clapping, dancing.  School is quiet, raise your hand, sit still and listen.

I am so glad God gave me the courage to go.  I thought about backing out because I felt uncomfortable.  But this discomfort produced great reward.  My heart was filled with so much joy.  Everytime I made eye contact with one of the kids and smiled my heart was overflowing.

Small moments

Life is a series of small moments.  Many days I miss these small moments.  When I catch these small moments my heart is full of joy and gratitude for the many blessings that God gives me each day.

"If we magnified blessings as much as we magnify disappointments, we would all be much happier."

While I do believe that life has peaks and valleys I also believe that the peaks can be higher and the valleys not as low if we notice the small, wonderful moments in life.

Kids laughing.  Middle schoolers volunteering for a greater cause.  Students encouraging one another.  A stranger holding the door.  

I have received 3 apples this year from students.  It is a small gesture, but one that implies that they were thinking of me.  On Friday I received a bag of chips from my little favorite.  He also said that he tried to get me a plate of food at the center he goes to after school, but they wouldn't let him.  Do you see how this is the beginning of generosity?  Jesus tells a story about an offering at a church.  The wealthy were putting in some and then a widow came and put in nearly everything she had.  Generosity and giving is not measure by the actual amount, but is actually relative to what one has.  

I am amazed by the power of love and affection.  Two weeks ago, my little favorite could really care less that I was in the classroom.  He did his work and minded his P's and Q's.  I've been trying to be very attentive to him and boy have things changed.  Now, he is constantly coming up to me to tell me things and stands right on my hip after school.  On Thursday I told him I would give him a special note.  About 5 minute later he came up to me and asked if I had forgotten already. :)  As we were walking to the door after school on Friday he grabbed my hand.  I love all of my students, some just have greater needs than others.  

Knowing Thyself...

"Know thyself" Plato.

A 2 word sentence that is so complex.  I must say that as I am about to enter my "late 20s" I finally feel comfortable with who I am.  I am no longer am trying to fit in or be the person that others may want me to be.  I know myself.

I know who I am at my core and who I am striving to be.  Circumstances may change, but who I am I hope will always remain constant.

I am a teacher.

I am a learner.

I am an observer.

I am concerned.

I am compassionate.

I am passionate and dedicated.

I care.  

I am a change agent.

I smile.

I believe small moments are everywhere.

I am a small, but important piece of the world.

I am loved.

I am specially made.

I am uncomfortable with being comfortable.

I am old fashioned.

I am a worker.

I laugh.

I am an athlete.

I am a coach.

I am exactly who I was meant to be.

Who are you?

Little Things

Joy.  Joy is such a fleeting emotion.  We can't always predict when it will come around, but when it does we wish that it would stay longer.  Perhaps that's the beauty of it.

Today was a day full of JOY.  I have found the joy factor of teaching.  When the classroom is a place of laughter it is comfortable.  When students feel comfortable the classroom is peaceful.  

My little friend is the only students that has never reached out to give me a hug.  I want him to trust me and know that I care for him.  But I will never pressure him to give me a hug.  It needs to happen by choice.  Today I gave the kids a choice to give me a hug, high five or handshake.  To my surprise he choose a hug.  JOY.  The other 25 choose hug as well, but his was special because it was the first. 

After school he ran up to his 5th grade sister and held onto her.  He said he missed her during the day.  She said she missed him too.  I so badly want to be that person to him, but need to realize that I might not be and that is ok.  His sister is always there for him and he knows that.  She has cared for and protected him.  It is hard to love, but realize your own limitations.